Film Review: The Calcium Kid


I have a tendency to positively rave about Orlando Bloom’s less well-known films because they are, in fact, better than the big-name films he does. (I’m talking about Rings, Pirates, and Troy.) Now, The Calcium Kid was not Orlando’s best performance, but it was certainly amusing. This film is a mockumentary about Jimmy (Bloom) a young milkman who, through a bizarre twist of events, winds up fighting the world champion in a boxing match.

What I really liked about the character of Jimmy is that he is something we haven’t seen from Orlando before. Jimmy is very *downcasts eyes* and shy and nervous and twitchy. It’s easy to believe that he’s a not-so-clever lad who lives with his prostitute mother (she’s a massage therapist) and takes great pride in his milk-delivery route. Jimmy has, quite literally, a head of steel, and a punch that will knock someone out. He attributes this to all the milk he drinks. (On two separate occasions in the film, Orlando chugs an entire pint of milk, and I’m dying to know if he really did because that would make me sick. But I digress.)

The other worth-watching reason is Billie Piper’s role as part of Jimmy’s entourage. Needless to say, she also serves as his love interest, and Billie/Orlando is DEFINITELY something I can get under.

Overall, it’s not the best film I’ve ever seen, nor the best Orlando film, but it’s an adorable feel-good film that’s worth watching again. It also reminded me of abundantlyqueer’s Off the Ropes. Any connection? No clue.

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